Wintertime in Alaska is beautiful but with the lack of daylight people are prone to depression or Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I call it “Becoming Eeyore.” It didn’t hit me until my third winter in Alaska, my first year teaching in Chignik. The newness and coolness of it was wearing off and since I wasn’t taking classes any more, I wasn’t as busy as I had been. I wasn’t suicidal or anything like that, although Alaska and Canada rank pretty high in suicide rates, but I was just…like Eeyore. It was the first Christmas I didn’t make the journey to Missouri, but I did go to Anchorage where my nursing-student friend gave me a shot if vitamin D in the ass. Since then, I’ve taken the highest recommended daily dosage of it. Once or twice I’ve run out and I can definitely tell a difference. One of those times was in Missouri when I was wrestling with being there and thinking about the reasons I had decided to stay. At one point I looked up symptoms of a mental breakdown and I was pretty well checking off all the indicators except for the major physical manifestations. I had a long distance chat with a friend of mine who gave me some good advice. She reminded me that being happy is up to me, which I know, but it never hurts to be reminded of. She also gave me a few other pointers. One that really helped was to project good thoughts on not only those you love, but more importantly, on those people who you normally don’t have the best relationship with. And she reminded me that thoughts become actions. You are what you think. I had to get my mind right. She helped me out a lot. It made me realize that the relationship with one’s self is similar to any other relationship. It sometimes requires a little work to maintain or get back on track.

Then there are other times when things seemingly fall into place on their own, although in reality, it’s probably due to the previous work you put in. That’s what made me think of all of this. I couldn’t (still can’t) think of a way to describe the complete joy I felt on Christmas Day with my kids and grandkids. Well, really the whole stay here. I’ve always loved the look on kids’ faces when they open gifts but it’s even better when it’s your own. Iris had been asking for a Moana LEGO set for months and she finally got it. She was so excited. Jacob got toys that I knew dad and uncle would play with too. Can’t go wrong with gears and magnets with those boys. I made a traditional turkey dinner and as I was stuffing my face, I looked around and I felt so joyful, so proud and happy to have all of us together.

Some of those early conversations with Mike were about our past, our families and experiences. He had put up with some pretty crappy stuff in his life. I told him that I’ve lived a pretty charmed life. We didn’t have money growing up but there was always love. (Unbelievable, but at this very moment, “All You Need is Love” by The Beatles is playing on the radio.) And even though my first pregnancy with Mike ended in a still birth just a few weeks to term and even though I lost Mike and mom in the meantime, I still say I’ve lived a pretty charmed life. I’m sad at times, sure, but there is too much love that remains to stay sad for long.

Iris and I took a day to ourselves today. It snowed several inches overnight so we played in the snow for a while and then didn’t feel like getting out anymore. We were lazy bums, just talking and playing the day away. Right before falling asleep, she says to me, “This was a great day, mom.” I have to agree.

I’m so thankful for my sweet little family and the awesome friends I’ve come to know. Maybe the most important vitamin is Vitamin F.